During childhood your parents always loved you, supported and accepted you. At each stage of your life they tried to understand you and your experiences. Now they are in the last stage of their lives and they need your understanding.
I have worked with the elderly for over ten years. Many, many times I have listened to their tales of frustration. My own husband’s father complains that his children are “trying to take over my life”.
Elder care has been prominent in the media lately. However, from speaking with the elderly it is clear to me that elder care starts with their emotional wellbeing.
Look at what your parents have experienced in recent times:
Maybe they've lost their physical functions due to stroke, deafness, blindness or arthritis.
Their memory and judgement are not so sharp. They’ve lost their status, usefulness and independence. They can’t drive or maybe it takes them a long time to dress themselves. All of these losses affect their pride and self-esteem.
- They have had to give up many enjoyable activities. Effectively they are forced to lead a restricted lifestyle.
Their friends are dying or moving into nursing homes. Their spouse may have died. They may have moved from their own home into a nursing home. They are feeling alone and lonely.
Effectively, they are experiencing many losses and a loss of control over their lives.
This is why they seem to resist well-meaning advice and assistance from you. They are struggling to maintain control and what little independence they have left. They need to feel they can still make decisions affecting their life. They need to feel they still have rights.
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Take a good look at what they can still do for themselves. It is better for their self-esteem to take a long time to do a particular task than have someone else do it for them.
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Involve them in the decision-making wherever possible. Consult, ask what they would like. If you can’t agree on something and they are in no danger of harm allow them to be stubborn. If your reasoning is sound they will usually come around when they feel your control lifting.
When you want to go through your parent’s belongings no wonder they get upset. Again, they have no control. When I was married to my first husband he used to go through my stuff when I was out and throw away what he called “unnecessary junk”. I felt helpless, out of control, and livid!
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If it’s not going to cause physical harm, let your parents keep their “clutter”.
The elderly try to comprehend what their life has meant and how they will be remembered. If their mind wanders in conversation don’t automatically believe they are suffering from dementia. Your parent may be remembering the past and linking these memories with the present in an effort to make meaning from their life.
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If you do think your parent is suffering from Alzheimer's disease, by all means get them assessed. If not, have patience. Let them ramble on about the past if they want. Time talking with your elderly parent is precious.
Communication is the key to understanding and having a great relationship with your parent. However frustrated you may become, don't give up. They need your support and understanding.
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